The road to recovery starts from DENIAL leading to awareness. When you are ill, more often than not it starts with symptoms. The first thing is to be aware that there are manifestations of "something" in your body. This is not necessarily paranoia or some other "illness" when one thinks of being sick all the freaking time. The same goes with addiction or compulsion. Being aware of it is hard because it is always coupled with denial.
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I had a life-long battle with may addictions. My recent one has something to do with my spending habits gone overboard. I'm really a cheapita at heart bcos I think there's plenty of time to go luxe later in life. However, when you have an accumulated purchases of everything cheap, when you compute it sums up just the same. Mind you I have approximately 13 pairs of shoes waiting to be used, clothes with tags still on them (well at least no longer in their paper bags!), fabrics waiting to be sent to the mananahi, etc. I thought for some time being a shopaholic/spendaholic was something "cute". I never thought it really existed...not until the day I had to face my fears of seeing my monthly credit card bill, not having to sleep at night for an item, or just feeling that kind of rush after a purchase. IT IS NOT DEFINITELY CUTE. Sakit ko na ata to. Sometimes when I buy, I tell myself "YOU HAVE NO CONTROL" over and over again. A few minutes later, I end up buying...
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I know a stranger who told me I cannot channel all my energy into one thing. He told me I have to learn to find an outlet somewhere. Right now school, gym and mall takes most of my time. For a person recovering from substance abuse (who battled it in the whole length of our relationship), I was never certain if I should even trust him. He was never the poster boy for life's choices. Although he always straightened my twisted head, he was just as twisted as I am. We soon found ourselves in a very crazy/beautiful set-up which turned out to be just one of my addictions later on.
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I morph my addictions from one form to another. It manifests in different ways but it boils down to one thing. The only person who told me that was this beautiful stranger. Those who love me don't quite understand why I couldn't forget this man. He was the only person who made me AWARE of it. I would like to say that my addiction with this beautiful stranger's over. [Probably I have just morphed it into some other thing, you know.]
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At this point, I'm not ready to really face it and seek REAL help.
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