I hate body issues talk with her. She makes you feel like the fattest person on Earth! Growing up I was never really confident about myself. I know I wasn't the pretty pretty one but I'm certainly not unattractive. I don't need her to tell me that. I hate people who stare at me bcos I hate the feeling of being watched. Once in awhile I like the attention, often times I don't. I usually don't make eye contact with most people. It makes me feel so uncomfortable. I like lying down on the bed beside a stranger, watching the ceiling and talking shit. No eye-to-eye contacts, please. I like the idea of being naked, watching myself in the mirror bcos I like my body. I like my curves bcos I have them in the right places. I have a belly bcos I've been drinking and well they were never super flat anyway. At this age, I know that there are things I cannot have and I have to be okay with that.
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I am actually okay with what I look. Well I wish I had a better nose or clearer skin. I wish I dropped a few pounds, but sometimes the weight won't go away. I've seen fatter pictures a couple of years ago and glad that I'm not that same person anymore. I'm certainly not at my thinnest but heck I didn't plan to be size 0 and walked the runways of Paris or something. Retail carries sizes because one size does not fit all! I'm after the fit all the time and not just the size written in the tag.
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Even if I tell myself these things do not matter, I still cry sometimes. There are days that I feel so unpretty. It hurts the most when the bashing comes from her. Sometimes I wish I could just yell and say "STOP AND SHUT THE F*CK UP" but my mouth was trained well to never speak that way to her.
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If it was easy to manipulate the weighing scale, I couldn't have done that a long time ago so that she could just shut up.
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I hate having to deal with this.
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