:( *

What worries me about send-offs and flying-aways is that hate-love feeling of being left behind. I know I'm just staying where I am.(Which sucks partly!) You send them off for them to grow and go where opporunity takes them. People have to go and you cannot make them stay at one place forever. So a lot of things are going on inside my scattered brain. I try to pull myself together. I try to act whole but the truth is I'm everywhere in pieces. I'm scared of holding on and not holding on. Am I ready for the outside world??? I hate that nagging feeling inside of me that never dies that half of me is on the grave each and every f*cking sem. I'm tired of just competing with the world. I want to get my life back. I want to feel that almost orgasmic pleasure of taking my time off to doodle, to browse magazines, to dance and drink until my intoxication gets into my bloodstream, to spend time with my family and friends without being guilty of depriving myself of my study or sleep time. I want my life back. I want my old self back. I am young and restless so be it.