More pawning and pawning in 2nd year. I've never been in such a place where I am too "weirded out". I guess I miss my bubble for 4 years with people who comprise the so-called "secret society". There is no such thing as secret society!!! (Do I have to repeat myself for the nth time?) In the same way that they group themselves, we can group ourselves too.
More than ever, I miss the company of people who don't pawn on me, feed on my weaknesses and laugh at my misfortunes. I told my old roomie before that we don't go to school to make friends. Friendship is merely incidental to the whole learning experience. On second thought, it's fun indeed to hang out with some people just for kicks. For the first time in my life, I have to admit that I have a hard time fitting in. I don't usually "fit in" bcos I never had the need to. In high school, I found a group who had the same passions as I am. We were not totally the same. In fact, we are all opposites but we get along. That was the only thing important anyway. Even if we were small in number (since we were just 4), I didn't care less bcos at the end of the day we don't kill each other and remain as friends unlike some other barkadas. In college, I was fortunate enough to meet people who were like my high school friends who were steady.
I am not the friendly type. Period. I'm not even a socialite. I hate being in groups were I feel uncomfortable - like in a group of strangers. I hate having to feel the need to belong, the need to fit in. Yes, the whole brouhahaha of making friends and getting-to-know-you shits. I told myself all the friends I need in my life, I've already met them bcos they're the ones who grew up with you. Meeting new ones would mean that burdening task of opening your life to other people. I hate it. Opening your life would mean judgment. After I realized about "The Pawn", I hoped to be more careful bcos they are everywhere. I think I have already met them. They are the ones whom you trust and at one point in time were your real friends. My life wouldn't change without them bcos they never gave me that chance to love them. I also never had the chance to be attached to them bcos they made me feel detached all the freaking time anyway. My intentions were always genuine. I never pawned on anyone except the obvious ones who gave themselves away to be pawned anyway. They pawned themselves to be eaten in the first place. I had nothing to do with it. I never wished for best friends, I think I've enough already. All I wanted was for these people to be at least honest naman. I could detect serious pawning, believe me. I can tell it to your faces if you want me to.
Dolly girl puts up her defenses against people who have hurt her and could possible do more torture in the future. I have a long way to go and I have no choice. Let's stop "loving" one another if this is the way we "love" each other. Tama na ang kiss of death. Ngayon ko pa lamang nalalaman ang lahat.
"Sa law school, akala ko memorization ang papatay sa'kin, o kaya stress. Hindi pala. Crowd papatay sa akin dito." Dog-eats-dog. Pawn-meets-pawn. I've had my fair share of it.
I'm definitely NOT at my happy place right now.
I wish people will stop playing games with me.
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