CAREER CONFESSIONS *

I never wanted to become like my mother. That includes being a lawyer and being a mother/having my own family. Of course I want to have a boyfriend from time to time, but never to that point of thinking of marriage or having our own kids. It is not about me hating my own mother but I just want to move away from her shadows. I want to form my own identity apart from what she seems to dictate of me. I know I am her favorite mistake nevertheless she likes me so much since she can manipulate me. It came to a point that in many ways I am a nonconformist but always ended up being a true conformist to her standards. It's ironic that the nonconformist has to conform to something else.

Here comes my real drama resurfacing after a two-month hiatus. I don't want to pursue law - again. At the back of my mind, I deserve to be somewhere else but I cannot pinpoint exactly. Let me recall what I aspired for when I was younger. From grades 2-5, I wanted to become a scientist and be the first woman to ever land on the sun. I am 22 now and I think no man has ever gone to the sun. (I'm pretty sure it wouldn't happen anytime soon, right?) When I was in grade 6-7, I wanted to become a fashion designer. This was probably because of the influence of Teen and YM magazines and a lot of chitchats from my friend Mav who's a beauty addict at grade 6. When I was in 1st year-2nd year high school, I wanted to become an activist and forever dreamt of getting in UP. I always had some advocacy. Before 3rd year HS, I wanted to become a make-up artist. When I was in 3rd year HS, I wanted to become a dressmaker or put up a RTW and MTO shop. Then in 4th year HS, I wanted to become an economist. College came and my course was Economics during the 1st year. Things change and dreams had to change. I had to shift courses for mathematically-challenged reasons.

I did not want my mom to worry about the sudden change in career path. She thought I might get kicked out of school. The saving grace was to shift to Political Science and later pursue law studies. Now I am currently a law student with so much confusion in my head. Is this what I truly want? I was thinking back in high school and college career aptitude tests, I always faired to be in the creative field, but what happened? In college, I realized that I wanted to be in the fashion industry but I don't know which part. Later I realized I had the passion and maybe the creativity but not the attitude. I am a complete snob and it's hard for me to work in groups. I am a complete loner who takes pride in the company of a few good friends. That for me is enough. So i was thinking I should be in snob jobs. I can't work in PR or HR. I can't deal with people. Last night, a complete stranger told me I look intimidating in a good way. Intimidating? In a good way? What?!

I also had a little (forgotten) dream of becoming a photographer for the newspaper, not for glossies. When I had the chance to travel when I was younger, my mom ranted how I'd waste film on capturing the scenery more than group pictures. I was always enthralled by photographs and actually thought of working in a developing studio to be more exposed with how other people take pictures. Promise by 2008, I will never stop taking photographs. Yehey!

After writing this, I am more confused with what I want to do. I envy those people who at such a young age knew exactly what they wanted to do for the rest of their lives. Kaka-inggit! What a waste of energy thinking or trying to make sense out of my own dreams.