PMS gets in the way most of the time. Tonight I just cried til all my mascara and everything else were washed by my tears down my cheeks. I was feeling a bit depressed (it has always been a cyclical thing even in high school). It just dawned to me that I'm rotting away when I should be "flying away". I have that nagging thought and/or feeling that I cannot continue another 2 years of school. I'm getting "unpretty" in short losyang with the academic environment.
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I used to be surrounded with the most creative people who fed me with passion and inspiration to an intoxicating level. I just couldn't find the high I was looking for in that place where I am. I felt I was always tired. I was always in a rush. I'd admit half of the time I was always pretending that made me feel more tired than ever. I get tired of having to prove to anybody that I'm not just an all-fashtalk girl, that I deserve to be in law school too and that I am not too dumb. I am never ever going to be apologetic for my style or even my lack of it. I don't owe these strangers anything. But sometime I feel that I have to conform and that sucks.
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Napapagpod na ako mag-aral kasi nakakapagod lang. I probably need a break.
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I have always been the kind of person who's detached with people (in some way that I'm the only one who understands this) but I felt that staying longer in school only made me MORE detached with the world. I never had to make schedules for anything before. But now I just wanted thing to fall just in time for this and that because I ALWAYS HAVE THINGS TO DO.
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Suddenly it occured to me that I cannot be in this place anymore. Marina told me once there's no agelimit for most jobs. We both agreed that being a model and being an athlete needed the age limit. So now I could just quit law school and return if I feel like continuing again. It's not something that needed an age limit. I even have a classmate who's in her late 40s and she's still studying.
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School is taking my youth away but I'm not ready to to plunge into the world outside of it. So maybe hang on, hang on and rot just a little longer.
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